My best friend wanted to hang out today, but I kind of blew her off, told her there are some things I need to think about. I hope she doesn’t mind. From the moment I woke up this morning, I knew today needed to be a “me” day, a Monica “Don’t Take it Personal” day.
Honesly, I’m lonely. I don’t mean just in that I-miss-my-firends-and-my-other-life way that I get every time I come home from school, but really… Sorry India, but “Sometimes I’m alone but never lonely” is not hapening in my life right now. And it sucks becase when my best friend wants to talk about what I think the normal timeline for exchanging those special words with her boyfriend are, I don’t wanna hear it. I don’t wanna stand around awkwardly in Spencers while she looks at…haha she does not need me putting her info out there like that, lol. Watching my mom cuddle and flirt with her boyfriend makes me sick. My little sister has a better relationship status on Facebook than I do, and I’m sick of it!
Wanted: a person I can count on to go to dinner with me when my roommates are busy, to cuddle with me when I’ve been drinking or just feel like holding something other than my teddy bear, to chat with me on AIM or (even better) on the phone when I feel like having a good conversation, to think playing Scrabble with me or going to get cookies from Murray Dodge at midnight is a good study break.
My roommate woul tell you I’ve got lots of options. I really wish I could believer her. My friend says it’s all about confidence. I wish I could tell her thatI can’t even tell if my confidence is real or a front. I don’t really know what I have to offer to anyone except that which everyone else seems to think I shouldn’t be willing to part with so easily. Everything else I will give to anyone I consider a close friend…as much of myself as I can bear to part with. I spend a lot of time wondering if I’m intimidating. I try to be mor and more feminine because I’m scared that the guys I spend the most time with don’t think of me as a girl. I spent my whole adolescence being one of the guys and I don’t want to make that mistake again. But now I’m also scared that I might be intimidating. Can I be a leader without being untouchable? Even a female friend of mine has joked that I’m trying to take over the school… The fact that I’m not a small woman probably doesn’t help, and my hair probably doesn’t either. Can I be fierce without being unlovable? Damn society and its norms.
I’m torn between feeling like I’m spreading myself too think and feeling like I’m not doing enough. Everyone I talk to says it’s the former and I can’t handle doing anything else. They’re probably right, but I tell them I’d make it work. I want to be doing more. And what scares me is that I think I’m distracting myself again, avoiding all the bad stuff by making myself too busy to worry about any of it. Just writing that down makes it seem true.
But I don’t get it because I’m doing all these things that make me happy right now. Like going natural, and using (mostly) natural products, and (okay this needs to start up again) going to the gym in efforts to be happier with my body, and writing poetry that matters to more people than just the subject and the object, and keeping this blog, and meditating, and trying my best to make my friends happy without losing myself in the process. Even my grades are up this semester.
But I’ve been shopping a lot. A LOT. And while I love shopping, that scares me because it’s hard to know my real motives when I shop. Is it really because Spring is here or because I’m on this natural kick or because I need stuff to wear to the office in the summer? Or is it all falling down–am I a young black female addicted to retail? I feel more confident when I know I look good. A compliment can improve my mood dramatically. Is that necessarily a problem?
I guess what I’m scared of is whether these things that let me be myself and love myself might keep other people from loving me.
…But I guess the people these things could be a turn-off for probably shouldn’t be the kind of people I’d want loving me anyway, huh?