It’s like, there are things I think are okay, and then there are things I don’t think are okay whatsoever. There are varying degrees of these judgments, and I pass them more heavily or less heavily depending on how much I know and love the person being judged. (I sound like such a terrible person already.) I don’t like to think this makes me intolerant, though. I like to use words like opinionated and steadfast…I just don’t compromise on my beliefs well. I always thought standing up for one’s beliefs was a good thing…
But this causes drama in my daily life sometimes. Because, okay, when talking about beliefs and theoretical happenings, my friend/acquaintance/potential-significant-other and I can disagree vehemently and loudly and staunchly, but realize this is all hypothetical and theoretical and go back to being friends/acquaintances/(potential) significant others and it’s nbd. —That is, usually. Some of my friends don’t seem to understand the way I was raised to have arguments and get offended/hurt. Conversely, I don’t understand their “arguments” and get pretty ticked off when they speak quietly instead of showing their anger…bad things happen on both ends.– BUT, when someone, particularly a very close friend (or I suppose a significant other), actually DOES something that falls under the “things-I-don’t-think-are-okay-whatsoever” category, I just don’t know what to do. How do you reconcile if-I-just-met-you-and-knew-this-about-you-I-probably-wouldn’t-like-you with I’ve loved you all my life and don’t understand who I’d be without you? I mean, I’ve-loved-you-all-my-life-and-don’t-understand-who-I’d-be-without-you TOTALLY and OBVIOUSLY wins out, but how do I stop the harsh judgment? How do I not be…utterly disappointed? How do I stop worrying whether you’re slowly becoming someone I love but don’t really like? (Is that even possible? Does that mean I have some huge underlying problem, if I can love people without liking them? We’re not there yet, but I see possibilities and they frighten me.)
All I want is just a tiny little adventure. Just to go see something new and exciting with someone I love–hell, at this point I’d even settle for doing something new and exciting with someone I barely know.
I just need a break from the monotony. Something to make this stint at home worthwhile (not that I had any feasible alternatives to it).
Is that too much to ask?
So I’ve recently become slightly obsessed with the web comic xkcd. XKCD doesn’t stand for anything, in case you were wondering, and proclaims to be a comic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language–3 of those are among my favorite things in the world! (And even math makes me remember high school fondly and wonder whatever happened to the person I might have been had I not gone to California and given up on calculus…she’s probably wandering around in some parallel universe, furiously scribbling equations on some clear plastic board…) I had dabbled in it in the past, curiously clicking friend-provided links and occasionally venturing to the site on my own, but just learned that there is a secret message that appears if you hover over the comic, which sometimes provides further insight into the more complicated comics, and sometimes contains a second punch-line! It entertains me so, and I’m almost considering purchasing a signed print of one of my favorites to hang in my room. (Sn: I’m trying to think of really cool dorm decorations to put in my single, if you have any great ideas let me know. My room is mostly blues, greens, tans, and browns…I’m into cool colors.)
Anyway, it gives me so much pleasure during these days of summer boredom that I thought I’d let you all check it out too. It’s really quite adorable, even if you don’t get the math (which I almost never do.)
|My absolute favorite ever. (so far)|
Confession: Vintage arcade games like Pong, Tetris, and Centipede still absolutely fascinate me.
Dear That Girl I See Staring Straight Back at Me,
Yup I stole that from Mulan. So sexist, but one of my favorite Disney movies. (Sn: I love almost all Disney movies. Except the Toy Story series…not really the biggest fan. Didn’t even see TS3.)
Hmm, my reflection in the mirror. I don’t see you as often as I used to, especially since I’ve come home. I guess I only really see you when I’m trying to make [so-called] improvements to you, like doing my makeup or plucking my eyebrows, and these things seem incredibly less important when I’m back in the house I grew up in, with the people who’ve known me since before I knew what mascara was. Or before I leave the house if I’m going somewhere I’ll see people; but the only place I’ve seriously been with people since I’ve been home is the beach, which is rather obviously dress-down, haha.
It’s kind of ironic, because in the past I’ve had people mock me for how much time I could spend looking at you. Does this mean we’ve grown apart, or closer together? Have I just stopped caring about you? Are you me, or just a manifestation of who I try to appear to be? If I stop looking at you, am I trying to just be?
I’m sure our relationship will pick back up once the school year starts. Hmm…that kind of pokes holes in my claim that I try to look good for myself, huh? I guess it really is for all of them. Meh, *hates that she cares so much what other people think of you*. Damn superficiality.
PS — I don’t tell you this enough, but I love you, you sexay thang 😉
Dear Person I’m Sick of Writing to,
I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M WRITING TO YOU AGAIN. UGH.
I wish I could have told you how I felt as I was feeling it. When I had the chance, I was too scared. I became emboldened by your absence, but the whole other side of the world thing made telling you not really a possibility. Now I’m pretty sure whatever we started has ended without really getting off the ground, and this upsets me slightly. I had a lot of chances I could have taken, I should have taken, and while part of me wants to kick myself repeatedly, part of me says hey…so did you.
Time to just say oh well?
Dear everyone I have ever interacted with,
I firmly believe in the philosophy of tabula rasa, that we are all born as blank slates, to be written on by those we meet, those we know, those we love and those we hate…even by those to whom we never gave a second thought. Every thought we think is influenced by those we have come into contact with, personally or academically, real or imagined; it’s really hard to have an originally original thought in this day and age.
Anyway, I like to say funny phrases like color-me-happy and I’m living in a heavily outlined world. I like to think that all of you take turns coloring my world in.
Thanks for making me who I am. I owe you all my very life as I know it. Blessed be.
|Go ahead, grab a pen. There’s space left there somewhere, promise.|
Just so you know,
I’ve gotten pretty sick of this. At this point, I’d rather have a new first kiss with someone else than a second kiss (second fit of kissing?) with you.
Do something to make this up to me, or prepare to feel…nothing from me. Nothing from me at all. A shell of a casual friendship, I suppose, because we have too many mutual friends for me to intentionally make things awkward.
If you told me your name then, I’ve forgotten it, but this letter is to you anyway,
You took one look at me and knew I didn’t belong anywhere near the 47th Street Green Line stop. You were nice enough to not come right out and say it, though. I think you asked what time it was. I was reading, the same book I just finished, I think, (confession: I believe that, subconsciously, I only read that book because the narrator sounded just like *******. I think it’s the whole learned-English-in-Kenya thing; their sentence structure is almost identical in its roundabout elegance.) and I recall being slightly perturbed that you kept talking to me. (Sorry.) You asked if I was waiting for a train, and I told you I’d just gotten off one; I was waiting for a friend. You were waiting rather impatiently for another train; you’d been waiting for a long time already. You made me aware of how much time I spent in Chicago waiting; writing this now, I think about how much of our lives we spent waiting. (This is totally unrelated, by my new favorite random fact is that, according to a Dentyne Ice commercial, the average person will spend 20,000 minutes of their life kissing.) You laughed at how long I thought the trip would take, because the Green Line is ‘real fast’, but warned that it would take longer if my friend was coming from farther north than Roosevelt. You asked where we were going, and marveled at the nice area our barbeque was being held in. You let me know where the bus stop we’d need to get on was, and about how far we had to go. I wouldn’t normally talk to someone sitting near me at a train station, but you were relentless in leading this conversation, and until your train finally came, you were really great company. It was also pretty reassuring knowing exactly where I was going once I left the station, and I think my friend was impressed. You even told me to be careful and to have fun when you were getting on your train, and it wasn’t condescending at all because I’m pretty sure you were a few years younger than me…just a LOT more street smart.
Anyway, I never said thanks. 🙂