Confession #1: If I’d just met you recently, I wouldn’t be your friend. In fact, I think part of me would scoff at the idea of us being friends, because when it comes to the things that shouldn’t be important but totally are, you’re totally not on my level.
But lucky (?) for us, I didn’t just meet you recently. I met you what seems like a zillion years ago on the new playground at our elementary school, and truth be told, I didn’t pay much attention to you then. A few years later a giant hole was ripped out of my life, and you stepped in to fill it. The rest is, as they say, history.
I’ve been saying this for years, but sometimes I really doubt that history is enough to push us through. I know it’s supposed to be Breakfast at Tiffany’s and we only need that one thing, but I…need to feel like there’s a reason we’re a “we” now, besides the fact that we have been for the last 8 years or so.
When I first started feeling this way, we used to fight all the time. And I hate us fighting; it’s like you’re so huge and critical a part of my life and my memory that when something is wrong with “us”, little pieces of my whole world come crashing down around me and everything is a bit shakier. I know it’s not like that for you, and it never has been. I can accept that. We don’t fight as much now anymore, and when we do, it’s less vocal and full of cursing each other out and other terribleness. Now we’ll just go a few days without talking to one another until one of us assumes we have both cooled down enough to apologize without fully meaning it and keep on keepin on.
Confession #2: Sometimes I really miss those loud violent fights, because they at least showed that we still cared. Sometimes I feel like this new way is like it’s not even important enough to waste the energy, which frightens me.
Confession #3: Do you ever feel like we’re faking it? Like we’re trying to make ourselves fit into roles we’ve outgrown and pasts that have grown fuzzy and misshapen?
We don’t do the things we used to do anymore. I can’t believe we used to talk on the phone for hours every single day and now I can’t even remember the last time I called you. But on the flipside, you used to almost never come over and now I joke about getting you a key to the house. So maybe this is just the natural next step to our relationship. We gain ground some places, and lose ground in other places…maybe it balances itself out. I still love you with as much of my heart as I can spare, and I’m going to keep telling the little voice in the back of my head that sometimes wonders do we even like each other anymore? to because you’re always going to have that place in my heart, okay?
There are things I hate about this place we’re in now. I hate that I don’t know any of your other friends anymore. I realize it’s just because of the way our lives are organized now, but it sometimes kind of makes me feel like the significant other you don’t want anyone to know about. I hate that I feel like you’re growing up so much faster than me now. I think I did my growing up faster before we knew each other. I hate that there are silences in our conversations both online and in-person, and I find myself wondering if they’re comfortable or not. I hate that voice in the back of my head that questions us, and I want to convince it that it doesn’t need to.
Help me out by taking me on an adventure, k? Help me by really being you around me, and I’ll really be me around you, and we’ll find a new kind of friends to be, since we’re not the people we were when we were BFFs.
I love you and I miss you and I’ll see you when we both get back to Jersey,