It’s just emotions takin me over…

Two words: 

 emotional detachment
I really don’t understand them as a concept. My best friend has been going on all these dates with all these guys and my close-mindedness is rearing its pesky head, because I disapprove of all of this so hard. She sounds like an asshole guy (my apologies for the sexism) saying that she’s just “having fun” with them. And I’m sorry, but I really just can’t support using another human being for whatever pleasure you derive from them and then tossing them to the side. No matter how you spin it and try to dress it up, that’s just not okay.
She says it’s all just part of this game called love, and I realized that’s my biggest problem with this whole romance/dating thing; why the fuck do we as a society treat something that is so important like it’s a GAME?! It’s why I can’t watch any of those reality dating shows either; this should not be a fucking joke, and I really can’t stand that people think of it like that these days.
Call me old-fashioned, but I STILL cry when Mufasa dies. I can’t watch war movies because looking into a soldier’s eyes for half a second and then seeing a bullet rip through him will leave me in a puddle on the floor. As much as I claim to hate sappiness, The Notebook and Titanic are my two favorite movies of all time. I cried when Obama was elected and I cried when I found out someone thought I had been rude on the first day of the conference and I cry when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I’m frustrated, when I’m upset, when I’m feeling overwhelmed, etc. etc. Also, it is physically impossible for me to watch someone else cry, even on television, without tears springing to my own eyes.
To make a long story short, I’m an overly emotional person. My swimming teacher in 5th grade once told me I cry at the drop of a hat…to this day, she’s not far off. I form instant bonds with people and things and lose a part of myself by losing that bond. It causes me to keep a lot of objects (and probably people) in my life that I should have let go a long time ago, but I have a serious problem letting things go. One might say I’m an emotional hoarder. But as an always-writer and sometimes-artist and trying-to-be-free-spirit, what else can I do? Emotions are the crayons of my coloring-book world, and as much as I love black and white photography, sometimes the grass just needs to be green. 
That being said, emotional detachment as a concept terrifies me. It’s, like, a fate worse than death: it would mean being so far removed from a situation that I don’t form a bond. I am and have always been the kind of person that tries to give all of herself to everything in her life…but maybe I’m a bit too literal about the word “everything”. Unless I’m totally and completely not vibing with a person, and thus feeling like I should not trust them for some reason, I open the door to my coloring-book world and ask them what color they’d like. It’s really as simple as that. You’re in or you’re out. Ain’t no such thang as halfway crooks!
So this detachment thing…it would require an inherent inability to trust. And there can be no love without trust. And what is life without love? (SN: this is a word I also use far too liberally. “Like” is total weaksauce in my book, and be wary if I use it around you…I’m probably trying to be nice.) It would be like saying NO I WILL NOT CARE ABOUT YOU before they even get a chance. I don’t understand how I could be myself without getting my emotions involved; hell, I don’t understand how I could be anything but a bump on a log. I don’t understand why I would even listen to a word they say or remember their name if I’m trying to be detached from the situation…why even try to make memories? I tell you, I don’t understand it. My world used to be walled in, but the right people came along and tore that me down, brick by brick. Now I only call on the guards in EXTREME circumstances, haha. I’m an open book, and I invite (almost) everyone in to color my world. Tabula rasa, right? Well imagine all the pages that I’d be missing if there was a waiting period before I handed people a crayon? How different would my world be? What parts would be missing?

About alaiyo0685

I'm a kind of quirky, pretty stubborn, way too opinionated, twenty-something, intellectual, introspective, queer, Black, female, in a polyamorous relationship, and this is where I try to figure out my life.

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