Sometimes I wonder if this distance thing would have been easier or harder if we were doing it 20 years ago before the internet and text messages. Sometimes I feel like all these various means of making the distance feel not as far just make it feel even farther.
Take, for example, skype. Skyping with him makes me simultaneously deliriously happy and really really sad. I feel like I smiled more in the hour I just spent talking to him than I did in the past four days since we last Skyped. He has that effect on me. But while talking to him face to face(ish), seeing his smile and hearing his voice and remembering how much I love his laugh…while all of those things make me feel soooo good, feel like the distance doesn’t matter so much…at the same time it shows me just how far apart we really are. Because if I can see him and I can hear him then dammit, I should be able to hold him. Not being able to touch him while I’m talking to him is the hardest thing to get used to. I miss him so much more when all I can do is blow him a kiss goodnight and close my computer screen and ready myself for the next night in my longggggg series of nights alone.
The ability to see him while I’m talking to him is still absolutely priceless, though. I’m glad I have the chance. Even on this crappy computer that I’m dealing with since mine got stolen. Even if we basically just talk about our mundane lives. Even though it makes the desire to feel him nearly unbearable. Because no one else makes me smile for an hour. This sadness I feel when I say goodbye to him again…it’s a sunshower. Does not detract from the overall joy.