INSANE WHIRLWIND OF EMOTIONS cannot begin to accurately describe the past two days.

Extreme sadness. Hurt. Fury that almost scared me. Fear separately. Deep confusion, or maybe simply a profound lack of understanding.

All of those feelings are done now. Well I’m still sad that it’s over, because I wanted to snuggle into this and stay there for a long while, but I feel nothing like the overwhelming _________ I was feeling. I feel surprisingly good right now. I feel like nothing was as bad as I’d thought/imagined/suspected/worried/feared. I am not a bad judge of character, and I would like to come out and publicly say to all of you who know me in real life and know the other person involved in this situation–he is not the villain here. This situation doesn’t have a villain. It has two good people who made some bad choices and that’s it. #theoppositeofpubliclyflaming

I’m not gonna list out all the terrible things that have been running through my head. They don’t need mentioning, as they’re all either flat out wrong, unwarranted, invalid, or have been deconstructed to the point of my being content. It may have felt at first like the world was ending, but up is still up, down is still down, and I don’t think anything permanently damaging happened here. 

I have, however, learned a lot. And the things I have learned can be listed:

  1.  It is entirely impossible to undervalue honesty, especially when you know the truth is going to hurt. 
  2. Wanting to mean something is entirely different from meaning it. Changing your definition of something so that you can mean it isn’t being honest either. 
  3. Relationships are based on a lot of assumptions. It’s probably a good idea to talk about things rather than assuming you’re on the same page about X issue.
  4. It actually shocks me that these words are about to come out of my mouth, but maybe it really is the thought that counts. Intentions mean something, even when they lead down unpredictable and hurtful paths. Sometimes people deserve the benefit of the doubt even in the most unfortunate situations.
  5. Anger is actually an essential part of the healing process. 
  6. My friends are awesome. But I already knew that.
  7. Pain does not automatically negate all the previous joy a situation gave. Hurt does not erase prior happiness. I’m not saying “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened,” because I think that crying is a healthy part of LIFE in general, and it’s important to be unabashedly sad when something makes you sad…but when it’s all said and done, everything good that happened still happened. And that’s what you should focus on. 
  8. Your world should always be bigger than one person. I think I forgot that mine was for a little while until the support came rushing in from every direction while I was freaking out and I remembered that I have a whole network of people who love and care about me. 
  9. Love is a nuanced, nuanced thing. It has so many layers and components and meanings and strivings. It varies from person to person and situation to situation. There are lots of things that love is. There are also lots of things that love isn’t. And I’m still learning the differences, I think. Maybe we all are. 
  10. Don’t underestimate the benefits that can come from actually talking to someone who hurt you, instead of just festering in your own emotions. Every story has two sides. 
  11. Analysis of every tiny detail of a situation is pointless and futile. Analysis of what major mistakes were made and what should have been done differently in those specific instances is an opportunity for growth that should not be overlooked. 
  12. It is evidently possible for me to open up to my father under times of complete and total duress. It is also evidently impossible for my mother to let me open up to her during such times. This is unsurprising. Maybe I should be less freely open with my mother and talk to my dad more. 
  13. I have no regrets. None. I might even want to change everything I’ve ever believed about exes and want to try to be friends. And on that note, I will pick a song:
And I’d choose you again…

About alaiyo0685

I'm a kind of quirky, pretty stubborn, way too opinionated, twenty-something, intellectual, introspective, queer, Black, female, in a polyamorous relationship, and this is where I try to figure out my life.

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