I’m pretty sure most people, or at least most of the kinds of people I know and am close to, would describe what we did one evening after dinner in my dorm room last semester with only my makeup mirror on as mood lighting as pretty damn crazy. Most of the friends I’ve told judged me. If my parents ever saw the evidence, they’d kill me. I never actually got the reaction of the person I ostensibly did it for, but I’ll bet he was rather surprised. Hell, I was rather surprised when I emailed you to say I’d do it.
It was just a favor for a friend, in theory, and I had no obligation to volunteer, but no matter how many times I saved the email as a draft instead of sending it, I just couldn’t resist. It seemed so naughty, so taboo, so downright wicked. It seemed like something past versions of me would never have done and that just made me want to do it more. This was a private act of rebellion: I waged war against timidity, a war in miniature, behind locked doors (you checked). It was an awkward cross-campus walk, as you asked whether I had any props and we discussed who’d get to see the results. You are officially the only person I’ve ever let browse through my underwear drawer. It felt silly, considering what we were about to do, but I turned my back to you to strip. With my back arched and my hands undoing clasps came the first click.
It was easy to take your directions and to offer suggestions. Like this? No, like that. It was easy to stop caring about trying to suck my stomach in or whether I looked good from that angle. It stopped feeling scandalous almost immediately. It stopped feeling wrong. All I needed to be was me. All I was doing was being me, being me in front of you. Talk about losing inhibitions… Subject rather than object of affection or desire, more than skin and scars and flab, I was art. Little old me! Now that’s crazy…and it’s a feeling I haven’t let go of since. I have the evidence in a box in my closet, and though I haven’t seen all of it in all its glory, I can already tell these are some of the best of me.
So thank you for letting me get a little crazy,