He told me to blog about this

so I guess I’ll listen. Evidently exploring sexuality is like a main theme of this blog or something. Who knew?

After they had a conversation I wish I could have been an e-fly on the virtual wall for, a female friend of mine approached me about having a threesome with a male friend of ours. I’m not even gonna front, I was moist intrigued as hell right away, and I saw no point in pretending otherwise. I trust, respect, and have mad love for each of them. He had previously been on my guy-friends-I’m-pretty-sure-I’d-be-DTF-if-the-opportunity-came-up list (which has never actually been put in action before, mind you), and she…I’ve wanted her to be the person I explore with if I ever do any actual exploring for a long time now. (She’s joked about wanting me, too, but is in this pesky relationship…) Anyway, this sounded like all sorts of perfection, and seriously, threesomes are hard to come by. Even if the situation had been less perfect, it’s still so rare I might have agreed just because who knows when I’ll get another chance? Down isn’t a strong enough word for how excited I was by this prospect. Like, I talked about it to a couple of my closest other friends and all my porn-watching suddenly became MMF excited.

And then yesterday she dropped a bomb on us. Her boyfriend (the aforementioned pesky relationship) had been okay with this idea in the beginning, but recanted. He doesn’t want to share her, or wonder whether she’s thinking about us when she’s with him, all of which I can totally understand–I’m shocked he was ever okay with it, to be honest. But neither he or I can think of another girl to take her spot, and I don’t imagine I would be comfortable with someone I’m not close to. She obviously doesn’t want to do this without her boyfriend being okay with it, which again he and I totally understand, but all three of us really want this and yet it seems our dreams are dashed.

So then she has an idea: he and I could get it in while she watches. My nose sort of wrinkled at this idea, and he said it seems completely different and like it might be weird. I agreed instantly, but have since been trying to figure out exactly why this is so clearly less ideal besides the fact that I was excited to finally get to explore her

Okay, so being watched could be weird, but I’m sure that I would stop thinking about it as soon as things got started. Besides, we’ve talked about my favorite kind of porn…having an audience might excite me. If I know I’m putting on a show, I have to let go of any inhibitions I might have and make it a good show, right? This could be good sexual growth for me. And she’s seen me half-naked and (participated) in some fairly compromising situations before without things getting weird between us, so I’m not really worried about that either. I suppose it could be awkward, but if all three of us fucking wasn’t going to be awkward, can this really be much different?

So that leads to the question of whether it being just me and him instead of the three of us is problematic for me. Again, “trust, respect, and mad love”…I’ve got no problems with him. So that leaves only the 2 v. 3 aspect. And this is where we run into a bit of trouble. Supporting sexual openness and being a sexually liberated woman are very important things to me, but most of that is on a theoretical level. I’ve never sex outside of a committed relationship before. Granted, after we decided to take our relationship to that level, it didn’t seem like as big a deal as I’d been making it out to be for so long. It was fun and I wanted to do it as often as possible (he didn’t though–should have been the clearest of any of the signs I missed, smh), but it was also sort of anticlimactic. I have always known about myself that I wanted to be less uptight about sex after my first time, and still believe that. But now it’s put up or shut up time. 

Is there really such a difference between sex as a recreational activity with someone who has a “title” in your life and with someone who doesn’t? Logically, I don’t see why it should be. I see that I’m horny and now that I’ve had the real deal, my Pink Pleaser isn’t really cutting it anymore (making the whole experience seem authentic is just, frankly, quite a bit of work). Will I still respect myself in the morning? Does my unequivocal support of women being able to have sex when and with whom they want to without being deemed immoral (or worse) extend to include myself? If it doesn’t, I’m pretty sure I’m doing something wrong. I’ve been thinking recently that I don’t have nearly enough wild crazy college stories, and I want to let loose a little senior year while I still can. Part of why people have this oh-so-annoying/frustrating idea that I’m a “good girl” is because I rarely allow myself to be “bad.” I don’t think I’m happy with that. 

Let’s talk about sexual confidence for a little while. I think it’s clear that I’m pretty open, but not highly experienced. And I’m quite positive he’s not in that same boat, and that intimidated me a little when I first thought about it. But then I thought about the fling I had the summer between high school and college, with a bi guy who taught me so many things, and I remember that [in my limited experience, but this is presumably a widespread reality] being with guys who know what they’re doing is so much better than fumbling around with guys who don’t. My mouth starts to water at the thought of sucking a dick, I swallow, I can work them kegels, and I have demonstrated an ability to keep up a decent rhythm on top I can hold my own, and I’m open to suggestions. I’m a fast learner, and hey, it seems like it would be quite exhilarating to tell him that I might be a confident, take-charge, doesn’t-take-any-bullshit woman in daily life, but I welcome a little bit of direction in the bedroom. Worst that could happen is something gets awkward, but then we move right along and maybe laugh about it later, right?

And dammit, it’s not like I’m beatin dudes off with a stick. I like being made to feel sexy and desirable by guys I think are legit. As long as everything is consensual and everyone is informed and safe (and y’all know I’m a two forms of protection kind of girl), why not act on those feelings if given the chance? It’s high time to apply the grown-woman game to my sex game too. 

We’re supposed to be putting this conversation to bed (pun very much intended) til the weekend, but uh, #decisionmade.


About alaiyo0685

I'm a kind of quirky, pretty stubborn, way too opinionated, twenty-something, intellectual, introspective, queer, Black, female, in a polyamorous relationship, and this is where I try to figure out my life.

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