So it seems as though the decision I came to late Tuesday night has been negated, and this time it’s NOT the result of my chronic inability to make up my mind about anything. He gchatted me this evening and asked if I had a minute, which usually means he wants to have a real conversation (as opposed to a hey-how-are-you-blah-small-talk conversation), and I had a feeling he wanted to talk about this even though he told me to not let him talk about it til the weekend (Thursday is basically the weekend, I guess). But the first thing out of his mouth once I confirmed that I did, indeed, have a minute, was that he wanted to veto the idea. And I was surprised because
what man turns down the chance to get laid with no strings attached he seemed down when we were talking the other day, but seemingly before I could even process it, my fingers typed “that’s fine”. And while in my head I was thinking, ‘Man it’s gonna be hella awkward when he reads the post where I decided I wanted to,’ I was actually the most disappointed by losing this opportunity to start the crazy college days I was supposed to be having for the past three years. I think what I realized as soon as he said that was that I’d come up with a lot of “there’s not really any reason not to,” and that didn’t translate exactly into an I wanted to. I want this threesome that’s not going to happen; I wasn’t opposed to a consolation prize. And I’m ready for a lot of things, but settling for a delicate situation shouldn’t ever be one of them. And I don’t know why he vetoed it, and maybe I won’t ever know, but while I certainly wouldn’t call this a pleasant surprise…I certainly don’t feel like I’ve lost anything either.
And while I was gchatting with him, my best friend from home whom I’ve felt very distant from recently called me to ask if he could come over. Having basically accepted the fact that I wasn’t going to see him again before I left for campus on Saturday morning, I was so surprised to be hearing from him that I stopped to ask if he was okay. He came over and warned me that he might be smelly from work, but I buried myself into him at the front door like I always do and he came in and sat at my kitchen table and teased my little brother while I made him Grape Kool-Aid (it’s his favorite), and everything felt normal again. We talked about how school is scaring me a little this year, his new job, how he’s scared he doesn’t actually want to do anything with his degree, his family’s ongoing move, how he wants to get his own place by December, things we’d done together in the past, things we wish we could do together in the near future, weird/interesting things we’ve watched recently…there were a few lulls, but he and I have had those since we were 13. My mom used to tease us because we’d sit on the phone “listening to one another breathe.” Maybe I was expecting the worst when really he’s just been busy and my visit home this time was really bad timing. Maybe we just say these things and that the time between now and the next time we’ll see each other is too long to keep up the appearance that we still need each other. Maybe it doesn’t matter, as long as we keep saying them.