And when this announcement was made at our officer’s meeting today, one of our fellow officers asked, “But what about Mayan?” (Everyone calls us by this fusion of our names because we’ve been partners in this officer position since February of 2010, and are generally interpreted as a unit.)
I almost started crying all over again.
Then our “daughter,” the assistant to this position we’ve been training in the hopes that she would go on to take over the full position (which won’t happen because she’s studying abroad), suggested that they could start calling us “Mayana”, which would fuse her name with mine by the same rule.
I know I’m supposed to think this is cute. I know it was supposed to make me feel better. So I smiled then, but when the meeting was over I snuck away into the bathroom and sat down in one of the stalls and just let the tears come.
Is it selfish/silly of me to not want to share a name with her? That was OUR thing, mine and his. Even my ex and I didn’t let ourselves be called by a combined name. And I mean, okay, it’s not like he’s dead to me or anything–I would really like to be able to seethe with anger and do cold-shoulders and brush-offs for a few days, but I don’t know if I have it in me–but I think the name has to die. The same name I spray-painted on a wall recently so that he could be represented. The same name we designed a room around for the club’s initiations this year.
But we’re not a unit anymore. I have out-felt and overvalued to my own detriment yet again. There was more involved in it than that, but still, it’s there, staring me in the face.
E says I shouldn’t let the end of our professional relationship mess up our personal relationship. But I can’t see a way to cuddle and be as lovey-dovey as a gay man and a straight-ish woman can be with all of this hanging over my head. I feel abandoned. You can’t snuggle with people who abandon you, even if the contexts are different. It’s just not right.
I don’t know who or how to be with respect to all of this. I don’t think I can be normal. I don’t compartmentalize my life well. I don’t know how to not let feeling wronged by B-my-partner fuck up my relationship with B-my-very-good-friend. I’m not sure I even want to let the latter not be affected by the former.
I don’t know what to do.