NSFW: Sex is on my Mind (AND on my reading list)

My dad and my older sister kept bugging me about what I want for my birthday and I finally just told them to get me hair products so I don’t have to buy them myself, but fact: I want to get laid for my birthday. No, like seriously. It’s been a month and a half = too damn long.
^Statements like that are a testament to how much I’ve developed as a sexual creature this year. Fact: 9 months ago I was a virgin, through a combination of choice and circumstance (I didn’t really care about/trust the guy I dated between high school and college enough and then there was a big giant dearth of opportunity that wasn’t entirely self-imposed until last Spring). After that relationship was over in June, it came to my attention that I had already had and greatly enjoyed sex with a man who didn’t love me, and as such saw no reason not to do it again, provided that we didn’t try to make it into anything more than that. This lead to various sexploits already discussed in earlier posts, as well as to streaking my eating club a few times and increasing the number of people (note the gender ambiguity of that word) by 200%. I have said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m on a quest for liberation. I feel like people had this image of me as this innocent good girl which maybe I technically was, but I didn’t want to be. So, I am taking control of the situation and actively working to lose that image. 

R and I were talking with our friend A about the streaking society our eating club has, and I was explaining to A that I’d streaked as a part of this quest for liberation that I’m on. R asked me if I think I’ve found it yet. Parts of me instantly said, “Duh.” But other parts that even I don’t talk about very often reminded me of their existence, prompting me to say “I’m working on it.” And maybe I’ll be working on it for the rest of my life. 

Documented proof of the fact that I’m still working on it is the fact that I recently bought a new book:

Lidia-Anain of SexLoveJoy posted about this maybe two and a half weeks ago, and as soon as I started reading her post, I broke away to Amazon to buy the book. One of the book’s first exercises is to “send your future self a message about why you’re committing to this process, what you want to get out of it, and what you want your future self to remember when things start to feel hard.” I’m supposed to be writing these exercises in a notebook or a Word document or something that isn’t going to be shared with other people, but fuck rules I do what I want. And when I want to share with you guys, I will, because I think the things this book is going to make me think about are REALLY. FUCKING. IMPORTANT. That’s why I bought it. And I mean, hey, I’m just no longer a private person, evidently. haha

And so, okay, I had some thoughts that are pretty similar to the quiet parts of me that made me acknowledge their existence and not say yes I am liberated.

1. Despite being a pretty forceful person in my everyday life, I find it difficult to be direct about what I want and what is/is not working for me in the bedroom. In fact, I rarely speak at all unless spoken to first, and this uncharacteristic quietness concerns me deeply.
2. I have no regrets about my recent sexcapades, but I am not unsurprised by this lack of regret/guilt/shame. I am equally not unsurprised by my ability to detach emotions from sex, and want to make sure that I’m okay with that on a fundamental non-reactionary level.
3. I find it difficult to get out of my head and lose myself in the actual act of sex. I highly doubt this is unrelated to either of the first two points, and lets throw some body image insecurity into that mix too. 
4. (Very strongly related to 1) I have faked an orgasm rather than actually help a partner to satisfy me fully, because it seemed easier/less demanding and I am disgusted by this every time I think about it. 
5. I’ve never really enjoyed cum from receiving oral sex and I’m unsure whether this is due to the partner from whom I’ve received it or due to some potentially deep set socialization I have to not actually want people spending that much time exploring down there. As a matter of principle I don’t stop it if it’s going to happen, because I don’t actively dislike it (sometimes I even enjoy it fleetingly before getting bored) and intellectually I appreciate that my partner is doing it, but I can’t never quite shake the feeling that I’d rather be being penetrated, and I would like to be sure that’s not for bad reasons.
6. A post I discovered in a friend’s blog archive has made me question the overall quality of the sex that I have had. Before you think I’m throwing shade (Twitter is keeping me up on the popular lingo, lol) on anybody, let me say that I’m positive I’ve never had shitty sex. I’ve never just been laying there wanting it to be over. I’ve never felt used. I’ve never felt like my partner wasn’t interested in pleasing me. All the sex I’ve had, I’ve found pleasant and satisfying (this is not contradictory to number four: I believe sex can be satisfying even if I don’t cum). But even in relationship sex, I’ve never felt anything like the connection I feel like she’s describing. And maybe this is just because I’ve never had a particularly lengthy sexual relationship with anyone (if you’re counting oral I don’t know the exact numbers, but straight up sex, my record is four distinct occasions with the same person…not much to write home about), but reading that post makes me want more from the sex in my life.
7. I’m still working on getting comfortable just being naked around an individual outside of moments of intimacy. (A few months ago that would have been on the list, but I think I’ve since accomplished it. I would like to recognize it as at least a recent concern, though.) 
8. I want to make sure that the means, methods, and manifestations of my quest for liberation are actually what I want. I know that I don’t currently see any problems with the way I’ve been living, but I still think I could benefit from sitting down and really analyzing my sex life and my sexual desires to make sure that what I’m doing is what I want to be doing and is leading me on a path towards satisfaction, not just gratification. 
9. I suppose that generally, I find it easier to talk/joke about and reference my sexuality than to actually act on it in a lot of situations. I want to learn how to be sexually courageous in ways that are more important than proving to myself that I can do certain things, like fuck someone I legitimately couldn’t give two shits about. I want to develop the courage to actually hook up with a girl, rather than just tentatively and exploratorily kiss a female friend of mine during the course of Spin the Bottle when we play middle school drinking games. I want to not blush–well, do that shy smile and tilt my head down in a way that people who know me well or who are familiar with the blushing tactics of people who can’t physically blush will recognize as a blush–when someone calls me pretty or beautiful or sexy or whatever. I’ve embraced my sexuality in forums like this blog, and when talking to my friends, but I don’t know if I own it yet inside of me all the time. That needs to change. 

So I guess I want to know that the sex I’m having is good (or at least decent) sex, and I want to be satisfied by the sex that I’m having. I want to develop the voice to not be mute in the bedroom, in terms of expressing pleasure that I’m being given, dictating what I want to be done differently or what I like, and generally to be able to talk about sex WHILE I’m having it. I want to feel like I’ve ACCOMPLISHED things with regard to my sexuality, rather than just done things that are supposed to represent sexual growth. I want to never ever fake it again. I want to get into my body and out of my head during sex. I want to understand exactly what I am and am not comfortable with sexually, and I would like to have some sense of why. I want to act on my sexual desires more often and more fully. And I want to be physically, mentally, and emotionally safe during all of that. [And the book demands that I include this part:] I, Maya Reid, am making a promise to myself: I won’t quit this process. I’m starting it for a reason, and I’ll see it through to the end. Because I matter to myself. My desires matter, my pleasure matters, and my safety matters. What I really really want matters. This process is a gift to myself, and I promise to accept it.

About alaiyo0685

I'm a kind of quirky, pretty stubborn, way too opinionated, twenty-something, intellectual, introspective, queer, Black, female, in a polyamorous relationship, and this is where I try to figure out my life.

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