I have decided to stop attempting to involve myself with [name-redacted]

Yes, unfortunately, I am referring to the world-rocking man I’ve referenced a couple of times recently. It’s time to place him in a different category in my head: guy I slept with (past tense) rather than guy I am casually sleeping with. That latter category might have been presumptuous on my part from the beginning, though in my defense he did all but offer me the d on a silver platter.

None of my attempts at bluntness since have been fruitful, though. He usually chalks chalked it up to timing: he goes to sleep absurdly early during the week, and by the time my thesis and show were over, it was final project crunch time for him. That’s fine. Having radically different schedules is unfortunate, but what are you going to do? Then I invited him to come to the open bar and dancing part of Houseparties last weekend–before you read into that, I saw this as an opportunity to get a little tipsy, have someone to dance with all night, and then keep the party going back in my room, if you catch my drift. And he agreed to that, but then had to cancel and felt the need to send me a long and detailed explanation of why, along with an invitation to have lunch. “Lunch” is not something included in the kind of arrangement I was trying to craft with him, so I replied that what he needed to do was “more important than drinking and dancing and other things with me. Don’t feel the need to explain or make up for it.” 

Maybe that was abrasive? He didn’t respond, but it didn’t really call for a response, so I didn’t think twice about it. Then I texted him yesterday afternoon to see if he was going to Senior Pub Night, and if he’d like to come over afterwards…no response. 

And some of you, if you’re like KS, are probably wondering what’s so egregious about any of this. Nothing, really. He didn’t do anything. We haven’t interacted in any way besides text for almost a month, besides very briefly running into each other at the student center with a group of mutual friends about three weeks ago.

So what’s wrong? I don’t like always being the one to try to initiate. It makes me feel kind of like I’m begging for it. I like even less that this is rarely successful. Even if it’s all circumstantially unsuccessful, as he has claimed, I think I’m still new enough to this casual thing that I feel like I’m putting a little of myself on the line each time I reach out to him. Even a circumstantial rejection carries a bit of disappointment with it, even in just that I got myself excited about the possibility of something that’s not going to happen. It would be different if sometimes he reached out to me, but that hasn’t been the case (re-enter begging feeling). Not being responded to at all yesterday made me feel undesirable, and I think that as a general rule of life, I should not try to sustain involvement with anyone who can make me feel that way, even unintentionally.

So I want to be done with whatever I was trying to sustain. Thinking with my head and not my nether regions didn’t particularly work to keep me from involving myself with him the first time, though, and I’m unsure that I’d be able to resist if the situation presented itself again, knowing exactly how damn good what I’d be giving up is. Perhaps if I could make myself fully let go of any expectations of repetition, it could happen. #AmIweakwilledorjusthorny? Le sigh.

(KS suggested that I should just get it from somewhere else without giving up on this if I feel like he’s not available enough for my needs. #Iwishitwerethateasy. Monogamy on my end is an unfortunate condition of my life, not a circumstance I’m actively working to create.)   

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About alaiyo0685

I'm a kind of quirky, pretty stubborn, way too opinionated, twenty-something, intellectual, introspective, queer, Black, female, in a polyamorous relationship, and this is where I try to figure out my life.

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