So here I am being visible and shit. I try to be open about how I identify on a regular everyday basis, but today is about establishing a community of sorts and actively letting one another know we’re out here, so let’s do this again.
I am a 23 year old cisgendered Black woman. I first got the inkling that I might be interested in more than just men around my senior year of high school, so 6-ish years ago. It scared the shit out of me. I hardcore denied to the point of saying pretty shitty things to a bi girl who is now one of my Princeton besties. She caught on to that “the lady doth protest too much” shit, though, and kept on me about it.
By sophomore year, after being pretty damn flirty with me when we were at parties and stuff, she got me to admit that I might be a little bi-curious. Later on, that okay, I might be a lot bi-curious.
There was a night junior year that involved that girl and some groping and serious titty-play that pushed the limits on my curiosity but we don’t speak of that night so this sentence doesn’t exist. Then, senior year, during a game of glorified spin the bottle after Pub Night at Quad, I kissed a girl for the first time. (Shoutout to SO!) And from that moment on, I knew that curious didn’t cover it anymore–kissing her felt no different than kissing any of the number of guys I kissed that night: thoroughly pleasant, though not altogether stimulating because I wasn’t into her. But kissing people you vibe with is a nice thing, no? It is a nice thing for me.
Fast forward to I’ve been out of college living in the real world for a year and 3 months, and these statements are all true: I have had sex with cis men. I have been in relationships with cis men. I have been on dates with cis men and trans men. The hierarchy of people I have kissed goes like this: cis men > cis women > trans men. I have sent messages back and forth with cis men and cis women on online dating sites. I find myself drawn to people of all sorts of genders when I’m walking down the street or scrolling through tumblr.
I have not been on a date with a woman. I have not gone past second base with a woman. I have come close to doing both of these things multiple times, but it has always fizzled out. These facts do not diminish the validity of my sexual orientation in any way. Straight people who are virgins don’t have their heterosexuality questioned, so let’s not question my sexuality just because my experiences thus far have been heavily skewed in one direction.
I think that the term “bisexual” subtly reinforces the idea of a gender binary, and that’s some shit I don’t fuck with, so I don’t use that term to describe myself. I like the umbrella qualities of the term “queer,” and I’m sort of in love with the way it has been politicized recently, so that’s the identity I rock in online spaces and with LGBTQ fam. I used to hardcore fuck with the term “heteroflexible,” but that puts too much of a premium on one side of the spectrum for me to still be comfortable with it. Today I learned a new term, “ambisextrous,” and I think I could be about that. Gender matters to me in terms of my attraction to/romantic-sexual interest in a person in a way that I think rules out pansexuality or demisexuality for me, personally, but at the same time I think the way I came into accepting my interest in persons of multiple genders means that “ambisextrous” as a term would appeal to me.
Things I like: hugging. holding hands. Cuddling/snuggling. Touching in general. Dancing. Kissing. Being comfortable around someone in various states of undress. Finding out what other people taste like. Giving pleasure. Receiving pleasure. Moments of sexual surrender.
…None of those things are gender-specific. Neither am I.
Happy Bi Visibility Day, everyone!