More on the relationships finding their own level tip

I managed to spend time with all three of the guys in my life this weekend. I consider this to be an impressive accomplishment, but also I’m EXHAUSTED, lol.

All three means that [New Guy] and I finally met up, after literally over a month of texting erryday. Let’s start with him. I am more interested in pursuing some degree of involvement with him after we got dinner last night than I have ever really been during this extended texting saga, but I am not quite sure that I think things are going to work out with him. EY gets the sense that he wants more from me than I am prepared to offer him, and I might be inclined to agree. Really, I just can’t get a good read on what he wants this involvement to look like. We keep talking around one another when the subject comes up. For example, last night:

me: 8pm is fine. But full disclosure: my housemates are hosting an event tonight so bringing you back here after dinner is not on the table.
him: Ok that’s fine. We could potentially come back to mine if you wanted? Or if not we can just get dinner.
me: Metroing all the way out to Maryland and back on a Sunday night sounds like a dangerous game. I think just dinner for tonight is the best plan.
[metro closes at midnight on sundays]
him: ok that’s fine :/ I’m curious, so is this like a date or just us hanging out as friends
me: Lol don’t make that face like you was guaranteed getting laid tonight. Uh, I have not been thinking about this as a date. But on the other hand, none of my friends check in with me every single day, lol. So…you tell me.
him: Well I dont know lol. What do YOU want it to be? And I wasn’t saying I was guaranteed sex, but I was thinkin about it lol
me: Lol well what you want it to be is important too. I feel like you’ve been doing a lot more than I’d expect for something we said was gonna be mad casual
him: This “mad casual” stuff is new to me so what do u expect lol. So then what do u want?
me: Oh I didn’t realize that. This talking for weeks and weeks before meeting up thing is pretty new for me, so I guess I don’t really know how it should work. Hayes is the first guy from OkC I’ve seen regularly, and we went 5 days from initial message to first date, haha
him: Oh yea I’m usually mostly a relationship guy. But you have yet to answer any of my questions: 1. Are we treating tonight like a date or just two friends going out to dinner?
me: Why does that distinction really matter? I can buy my own dinner if that’s what you’re asking…
[15 minutes passes]
me: Sorry if it sounds like I’m being evasive. I just feel like we’re getting dinner. Why does that need to be put in one box or the other?
him: I was just wondering. It doesn’t have to do with buying dinner. I was wondering so I know for my sake.
me: I guess I think a first meetup should be date-like? In the sense that we can be flirty and charming or whatever. I haven’t been on very many dates, tbh.

This was the first time I let him know that I kind of think he’s doing a lot. I was proud of myself for bringing that up. But then he kept coming back to trying to firmly put this dinner into one category or the other, and I didn’t know what he wanted me to say. “Date” is a word that is unfamiliar to me. It takes me out of my comfort zone. I have had exactly one person ask me out on a “date” in my life. Phrases like “meet up,” “get together,” and “get coffee/drinks/dinner,” are the ways initial in-person interactions have been described 90% of the time. I like to call shit what it is. Getting dinner is getting dinner; I don’t think that my behavior would change if I was calling this dinner a “date” or not.

I think I really place a premium on relationships developing organically. Ever since the guy I dated in college, I haven’t really been about labels and definitions. Do I want to spend time with you? Do you want to spend time with me? Cool, let’s do that then. If in spending time together, we realize that we want to spend time together in new and different ways, or spend more time than we’ve been spending, then let’s talk about that and do that. If in spending time together, we find that we’re becoming emotionally intimate in addition to our physical intimacy, then okay, we can talk about that and whether that development works for both of us and go from there. If we find that the way we’re spending time together is not satisfying to us, we can talk about that and implement change. I am all about letting the relationship find its own level. But don’t go asking me to put things in boxes before I even know how they feel. I can’t get with that.

[Buddy] and I had a little leveling talk this weekend. When he and I had our first meetup, I took him home with me and after we had an evening full of fun, we agreed that we would see each other once a week. My absolute second favorite thing about [Buddy] is that he is consistent. Sometimes more than 7 days goes by without us spending time together, but we have only not seen one another in the course of a calendar week once. When things were first starting, we agreed that sometimes we’d have actual activities and spend clothed time together, but booty calls were cool too. Recently, we’ve both been kinda busy, and so in the past two weeks, our spending time together has consisted of me going out to a party and getting fairly drunk, while he stays home and gets pretty high, and then me going to his apartment to get laid. Now let me be perfectly clear, I ain’t mad about that. That’s awesome. But [Buddy] is also a person I enjoy spending clothed time with, and so between rounds 1 and 2 on Saturday night, I made an off-hand comment about how sometime soon we should see each other not in the middle of the night, not that this isn’t lovely. He readily agreed. #Findingourlevel

[Booksie] and I actually had a conversation about our level last week, in which we officially agreed on the term “boo” to describe our relationship (as if I hadn’t already been using that in this space for like a month, haha). A series of events this weekend led to a lot of new privacy frontiers being crossed unintentionally and unexpectedly, but I think we were both really okay with everything that happened. This all happened the first time we saw each other after a conversation in which I informed him that I am “not just here for happy fun times,” and while I certainly didn’t set out to prove that, I think that definitely came across. Our level is finding us.


About alaiyo0685

I'm a kind of quirky, pretty stubborn, way too opinionated, twenty-something, intellectual, introspective, queer, Black, female, in a polyamorous relationship, and this is where I try to figure out my life.

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