In her big long post about what happened at the Quad alumni weekend I didn’t go to the weekend before last, a good friend of mine briefly referenced me as, like, a standard of touchy-feeliness, which made me lollllll because I mean come on, have you met me? But then it also made me a little sad, because the fact of the matter is I’ve gotten used to a particular brand of touches and feels quite regularly in recent months, and I think the synchronization of my, for lack of a better term, moodiness and the steadily declining rate of said touches and feels is more than a coincidence.

I always said that my (second) favorite thing about [Buddy] was his consistency. For the first 4 months or so, we only skipped a week of seeing one another if one of us was spending the better part of the week out of town. At first, basically all of the touches and feels we shared were solely in the pursuit of getting one another off, but as time went on and we got more comfortable being affectionate with each other, between-round snuggling became a thing, with my fingers playing in his chest hair as we caught up. Perhaps most importantly, we never parted without making plans for the next time we’d see each other, so I always knew (assuming the worst) how long I had to wait.

In December and January, for a combination of reasons, I got to a point where sexytimes and snuggles were happening two or three times a week in my life, with at least one of those times involving spending the whole night mutually wrapped in someone’s arms.

For a little over the past month, it’s been more like once a week, again for a combination of reasons, and I think that drop-off has been affecting me more than I let myself realize. I’m nowhere near last winter when I was crying all the time because I hadn’t even hugged someone in weeks and weeks, but I definitely would prefer more time spent leisurely with my skin in direct contact with the skin of a person I care about.

I’m trying to go out in the world and do more things as a distraction, and also I spent some time (that wound up including a good deal of touching) with a new person whom I’m looking forward to seeing again, but regardless of how successful each of those specific endeavors is, it’s going to take some time to build comfort, affection, intimacy, and routine again, which is probably going to mean some time spent wrapped in my big warm blankie feeling generally meh.


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