So I’ve started dating again, and after lots of scary but awesome mutual vulnerability in the past week, I can officially safely say I’m not dating because I feel like anything about me and [Booskie]’s relationship is wrong or lacking, but rather just that I’m opening myself back up to the possibility of connecting with a new person(s) to feel mutually awesome with. I’m not necessarily aiming to start a new relationship, or really looking for anything specific, but I guess an easy way to happen upon something cool is to do a bit of looking around.
As it so happens, all of the people I’ve been actually connecting with via OkCupid and Tinder lately are women. Full disclosure: same-sex attraction is a thing I’ve been aware of feeling for a number of years now, and I have under various circumstances usually involving game-play or drunkenness, made out or otherwise played with women and other female-bodied persons, but none of this playing has ever involved below-the-waist nudity. I feel like I would be about that life, but it hasn’t happened quite yet, even though I told myself that connection with a network of QPOC was a major goal of moving to DC. (That didn’t really ever get off the ground.)
So far two dates/first hangouts with women I’ve met on the internet have happened, and two more are coming up in the next two days, and to be completely honest, I’m nervous. Perhaps trying to really explore my queerness for the first time when I’m also on unsure footing about whether I’m really even interested in spending that kind of time with people who aren’t [Booskie] is a lot for my already always over-analyzing mind. I haven’t felt a whole lot in the way of sexual attraction/desire for either of the ladies I’ve been out with so far — each of them felt more like I’d just met an interesting new person or made a potential new friend than like I definitely wanted to have this person in bed with me in the near future. I’ve always read people who ask me how I could know that I like girls if I’ve never really been with one for filth, but here I find myself being worried that if that feeling persists with these upcoming dates, I might feel like I should revert my queer identity back into questioning. I recognize that that’s silly, because going on four bad dates with four guys wouldn’t have me rushing to say HMMMM MAYBE I DON’T LIKE MEN, but something feels like there’s a lot of pressure on these dates since they’re my first with women. I don’t want to conflate the anxiety and uncertainty that that along brings with the uncertainty surrounding the larger situation under which this string of first dates is taking place.
But of course pre-worrying is never productive so let me stop for now. I’ve been really surprised by how well my texting with one of the girls is going, so I’m looking forward to meeting up with her in person to see if everything flows just as naturally then.