So a few weeks ago I started following a new poly blog that was on some #grownfolkspolyshit. Like, telling its readers to have discussions with their partners about what they would do in the event of an unplanned pregnancy somewhere within their polycule, and in depth posts about poly parenting. My first reaction was basically WHOA WHOA WHOA I AM NOT READY FOR ANY OF THIS –> How far am I willing to go with this? –> Is this what we’re building towards? Because I don’t think I’m that person. –> Eventually shit’s gonna get too big for trial and error. –> FREAKOUT ABOUT THE FUTURE AND ITS GENERAL UNPREDICTABILITY
But then I realized that even outside of poly things, those aren’t things I am prepared to deal with or actually ever want in my life, so this is less a #polyproblem and more a #grownfolksshitproblem. And I was rambling about this to my friend BD:
Me: i think too many of the poly resources out there are from like a Grown Folks perspectivepeople who like, turned their marriages poly and shiti need to connect with more 20-something polysbut idk howwwwthere are meetup groups but they seem to be full of old peoplefor example i know like 15 places to look for advice about moving your spouse’s other significant other into your house and the challenges of thatbut i’m like, wait i just want advice on maybe wanting to talk about moving in with my boyfriend when we’re poly
BD: Mmm idk what I would do if babies were a thing that could accidentally happen with usI know people in NYC. Other qtpocMaybe there are fb groups ?Me: there is one in DC. but it’s been on hiatus since 2012. #nothelpfulBD: Do you want to virtually connect withppl? I can find groups…
Beautiful Struggle, Open Hearts creates space for queer, trans, people of color to share and learn about polyamory and non-monogamy from our own perspectives. We bring our experiences with family, community, education, media, religion, spirituality and culture to the conversation and open up the scope of polyamory and non-monogamy to include relationships beyond romantic partners. In connection to this, Beautiful Struggle creatively and interactively explores intimacy, communication, jealousy, insecurities, self-care, self, love and our understanding of community.
I’m not sure he’s as clear on why that distinction isn’t just semantics but he goes with it.
Q: Do you feel any sense of responsibility or accountability towards your partners’ partners? And is there any kind of responsibility or accountability towards you that you want from them? Does it make a difference if you have your own relationship with them (outside of the partner you have in common)?I’d love to hear anything folks have to share on this topic. Thanks, beloveds!
My A: This is a thing I used to struggle with a LOT because my partner had another partner who was not very happy about how our relationship blossomed. I found myself trying to hold back my own wants and needs for time and affection, and agreeing to do things like not be physically affectionate with him when the three of us were all together, and none of that felt good or healthy for my relationship with him. I eventually got to a place where I realized I was being shitty to myself in an effort to not be shitty to her, and that’s not okay. The two of us wound up going out to dinner once to sort of clear the air, and after that I stopped really feeling like I had to go out of my way to accommodate her feelings, as long as I wasn’t doing anything clearly shitty.