Day 1: I Am… #30Layers30Days

I am moving away from fears. Fear of my emotions. Fear of being too much and fear of not being enough. Fear of speaking up and fear of staying silent. Fear of questions and fear of their answers. Fear of being in over my head and fear of not doing enough. Fear that I am in some way lacking or erroneous. Fear that I’m not doing the right thing. Fear of the unknowable future. Fear of authenticity in places that feel more public than this. I am also moving away from selfishness, from possessiveness, from passivity, from hesitation, from second-guessing myself, from measuring my worth in terms of my usefulness to other people, and from being guided primarily by external motivators.

I am moving against “shoulds.” Meta-feelings. Thought-spirals and general overthinking. Cautiousness. Anxiety. Hypersensivity to other people’s feelings. The feeling of not knowing where to start or how to get better. These are the things that cause turbulence in my jet stream, fucking with my currents.

I am moving with a feeling of clumsiness that others somehow interpret as grace. I am moving with trepidation. I am moving with curiosity. I am moving with a desire to get better, to do better, to be better. I am moving with support. I am moving with love. I am moving with compassion, including compassion for myself. I am moving with resourcefulness. I am moving with room for error. I am moving with no clear sense of where I am going,  but heading in the direction of what feels good to and for me.

I am moving towards fulfillment. I am moving towards happiness. I am moving towards health. I am moving towards being okay. I am moving towards openness. I am moving towards honesty. I am moving towards transparency. I am moving towards authenticity. I am moving towards living a life that represents that which I value. I am moving towards understanding. I am moving towards empathy. I am moving towards growth. I am moving towards self-knowledge. I am moving towards being able to identify what I want, and being able to take steps to obtain/achieve it. I am moving towards self-confidence. I am moving towards self-love.  I am moving towards being supportive. I am moving towards interdependence. I am moving towards commitment. I am moving towards love. I am moving towards the unknown. I am moving towards…me.


About alaiyo0685

I'm a kind of quirky, pretty stubborn, way too opinionated, twenty-something, intellectual, introspective, queer, Black, female, in a polyamorous relationship, and this is where I try to figure out my life.

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