Day 4: Super Superpowers #30Layers30Days

When viewed with love and courage, the things we feel the most self-conscious about are often our greatest strengths. What superpowers are you hiding? 

Why does this question feel like I’m on a job interview trying to spin my greatest weaknesses around to present them like they’re secretly strengths? *rambles about being a perfectionist*

My feelings are probably the thing I’m most self-conscious about. I didn’t grow up in a household that addressed feelings very often. I spent a lot of my childhood repressing a lot of shit, until I found writing as an outlet. *Cue years of really bad poetry.* I don’t really know how to hide what I’m feeling from the people closest to me anymore, and while that sometimes terrifies me, it also forces me into openness and honesty and dialogue and resolution-seeking. If I am happy being around you, I am full of smiles (really dopey ones if the you in question is JJ) and laughter. If I’m upset about something, I am probably going to cry about it, and I’ll definitely move physically farther away from you. If I’m worried about you, I will offer demand hugs and backrubs. My feelings are a superpower because they contribute so heavily to my ability to be an open book.

JJ and I were talking about my writing the other day. I was telling him that I felt boring and like I was lacking passions. I was telling him that I’ve been writing about myself for years — soon to be 5 years, in fact — and it doesn’t feel as exciting or revolutionary as it used to. This blog is sort of just a thing I do. I was telling him that as much as I love that I can write about him and our relationship(s) freely on here, I missed talking about other things, actively figuring out other areas of my life on this blog. [Pssst…that’s part of why I’m doing this challenge.] He said something that stuck with me:

You write about your experiences in a way that’s accessible to others, just because you feel like it. What’s cooler than that? So many people tryna reach that point, myself included. What you have is a developed skill. You could always apply that skill somewhere else, if you desire, or start sharpening a new tool. But how you’re talking about your blog is how I wanna talk about a lot of shit. It’s like a basketball player talking about their jumper. It’s second nature. Developed skills allow you to do so much.

I’m not sure I would call the feelings I’ve had about my blog and my writing lately self-consciousness, but what he said makes me feel like maybe this is a superpower of mine too. Written words are such a huge part of the ways in which I interact with the world and with my favorite people in it. Without this blog, or the introspective self-communication skills I’ve honed in running it since 2010, I don’t think I’d be capable of capturing and expressing my feelings in the ways that help our relationship work.

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About alaiyo0685

I'm a kind of quirky, pretty stubborn, way too opinionated, twenty-something, intellectual, introspective, queer, Black, female, in a polyamorous relationship, and this is where I try to figure out my life.

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