Day 25: Sleeping Giant #30Layers30Days

I know I am unique and my voice matters but _____________ makes it hard for me to own my bigness.   What thoughts come into your mind that make you want to hold back your light?

I haven’t posted on this blog in 6 days. It seems so frivolous to do this sort of introspection and self-reflection when so many awful things are happening around the country that deserve my reflection.

But reflecting on them is so….hard. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what I can say. And I feel like there are so many people who can say the things, can say them better, are more qualified to say them. “Who am I to speak on this?” is a question I keep asking myself. I often don’t feel like I’m important or well-informed enough to be a voice for/about things that aren’t directly related to my life and my experiences. Talking about myself is easy. Every day I become a little bit more of an expert on myself. But talking about the things I feel ways about that are way bigger than me, things I don’t feel like my words can affect in any way…that makes me want to bite my tongue.

My 24ish hours of Twitter semi-fame in the aftermath of the Staten Island grand jury’s decision not to indict Officer Pantaleo for killing Eric Garner challenged that desire to hold back. All of a sudden there were all of these people in my mentions expressing their feelings and asking me questions, most of which seemed sincere. It felt like The Powers That Be (read: some guy who writes for NPR, which I think was the first article) had decided to give me a temporary voice, and a lot of the most important people in my life championed me to use it and address my new audience while I had their attention. Responding to them and speaking out made me feel…a little less useless.

I hope I can remember that feeling and draw on it in future moments of wanting to hold back and let other people speak.


About alaiyo0685

I'm a kind of quirky, pretty stubborn, way too opinionated, twenty-something, intellectual, introspective, queer, Black, female, in a polyamorous relationship, and this is where I try to figure out my life.

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