Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.
—Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free
(via My Found Polyamory)
I said something to JJ yesterday and he saw truth in it and I want to preserve it here to come back to in future times of “aljadlfjadl;jfa;sdf this shit is haaaaard.” I think that this is what commitment looks like to me.
Each of us has things we want and things we need from like, life, and from relationships generally, and from our relationship specifically. There is a good amount of overlap between us, but there is also a decent amount of things that are in one of our sides of the Venn diagram(s) but not in the middle. That is like, a normal part of being distinct human beings coming together to form an Us. Sometimes stretching ourselves in x or y way to accommodate a want or a need the other person has is scary or not the most comfortable thing in the world. But we consistently find ways to prioritize the things each of us want/need and prioritize Us and figure out how to make Us work around the wants and the needs, and I think that is a healthier and more functional version of relationshipping than necessarily trying to always have everything be the exact way that each of us wants them to be.
An honorable human relationship — that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word “love” — is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other. It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation. It is important to do this because in doing so we do justice to our own complexity. It is important to do this because we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us.
It isn’t that to have an honorable relationship with you, I have to understand everything, or tell you everything at once, or that I can know, beforehand, everything I need to tell you. It means that most of the time I am eager, longing for the possibility of telling you. That these possibilities may seem frightening, but not destructive, to me. That I feel strong enough to hear your tentative and groping words. That we both know we are trying, all the time, to extend the possibilities of truth between us.
The possibility of life between us.
–Adrienne Rich, from On Lies, Secrets & Silence
Trying to keep shit honorable around here…
I realize they were probably designed for gay couples, and I love their radness for that, but lol also accurate for me and [Buddy] last weekend. 😄