Monthly Archives: May 2015

Forget about likability. I think that what our society teaches young girls—and I think that it’s something that’s quite difficult for even older women, self-confessed feminists, to shrug off—is this idea that likeability is an essential part of the space you occupy in the world. That you’re supposed to twist yourself into shapes to make yourself likeable. That you’re supposed to kind of hold back sometimes, pull back. Don’t quite say, don’t be too pushy…because you have to be likeable. And I say that is bullshit.

–Chimamanda Adichie

(via Shakesville)


Learn to sit with uncomfortable, complex, paradoxes. Learn how to not immediately try to make it better. Learn how to let others have their own reactions and responses. That is what being in a relationship is all about anyways: seeing another’s struggle and valuing their journey enough to let them have it; believing in their ability to find their way; being a support without trying to be their source of happiness.

–Chani Nicholas

(via come correct)

On Managing Our Differences

I said something to JJ yesterday and he saw truth in it and I want to preserve it here to come back to in future times of “aljadlfjadl;jfa;sdf this shit is haaaaard.” I think that this is what commitment looks like to me.

Each of us has things we want and things we need from like, life, and from relationships generally, and from our relationship specifically. There is a good amount of overlap between us, but there is also a decent amount of things that are in one of our sides of the Venn diagram(s) but not in the middle. That is like, a normal part of being distinct human beings coming together to form an Us. Sometimes stretching ourselves in x or y way to accommodate a want or a need the other person has is scary or not the most comfortable thing in the world. But we consistently find ways to prioritize the things each of us want/need and prioritize Us and figure out how to make Us work around the wants and the needs, and I think that is a healthier and more functional version of relationshipping than necessarily trying to always have everything be the exact way that each of us wants them to be.

An honorable human relationship — that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word “love” — is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other. It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation. It is important to do this because in doing so we do justice to our own complexity. It is important to do this because we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us.

It isn’t that to have an honorable relationship with you, I have to understand everything, or tell you everything at once, or that I can know, beforehand, everything I need to tell you. It means that most of the time I am eager, longing for the possibility of telling you. That these possibilities may seem frightening, but not destructive, to me. That I feel strong enough to hear your tentative and groping words. That we both know we are trying, all the time, to extend the possibilities of truth between us.

The possibility of life between us.

–Adrienne Rich, from On Lies, Secrets & Silence

(via PolyamorousLife)

Trying to keep shit honorable around here…