The impermanence of beauty is on my mind. No matter how perfect this feels in any given moment, no matter how full my heart feels when I tell him I love him, this isn’t going to last. He’s not it for me. I’m watching so many people I care about publicly declare that the relationships they’re in are the relationships they want to be in for the rest of their lives, and we’re not that for one another. That is what the relationship existential crisis we’ve been going through this week has made clear. Someday I am going to have to figure out how to be without him, and then how to find someone new and start all over again with that person, trying to build something that mirrors what I have with him now and goes beyond. And that’s…that’s fucking depressing.
But whose first love is their life love? I shouldn’t expect to only have to do this once. That’s not the world we live in. It was illogical of me to ever hope for anything different. When in moments where everything feels right, I catch myself thinking, ‘I could do this forever,’ like I did this morning, after waking up snuggled against him after falling asleep in his arms sweaty after the kind of sex that makes me wish our bodies never had to move separately, I must remind myself that no, I cannot do this forever. That is not an option here.
It’s not even that an overwhelming amount of new information was shared this week. It’s not even that either of us has undergone a fundamental change. We just opened up deeply and honestly about who and what and where we are, how we feel, and what we want, and the breadth and the detail of what we came out of these conversations has left me with an unshakable feeling of hopelessness. I no longer feel like we might be able to work. Which leads me to sit in our living room, staring out at our apartment, tears running down my face as I think about how temporary all of it is. “Ours” is a temporary word. We will separate these things back into “his” and “mine” and bring them to different places. Had I recognized that as truly inevitable, I wouldn’t have suggested we combine in the first place.
People keep congratulating me on us moving in together, saying how big a step it is, how happy they are for us. And that’s how I’ve thought about it too, as a step. But now the direction seems questionable at best. We’re not stepping down any identifiable path. Are we going nowhere?
I want to not be sad anymore, but it’s hard. He says he doesn’t feel like we’ve made a mistake, but I don’t really see how. Maybe it’s a mistake we both wanted to make, but a mistake nonetheless.