I will practice coming back to the present moment, not letting regrets and sorrow drag me back into the past or letting anxieties, fears, or cravings pull me out.
–Thich Nhat Hanh
(via solo amor)
I was supposed to go to a mindfulness class led by a Black woman therapist today, but I wound up getting caught up at work (read: catching up on productivity after goofing off) and not leaving in time to make it. I was able to get into next week’s class, so no harm, no foul, but this feels like a good replacement mindfulness tidbit for the day.
When it comes to being gentle, start with yourself. Don’t get upset with your imperfections. Being disappointed by failure is understandable, but it shouldn’t turn into bitterness or spite directed at yourself.
—St. Frances de Sales
I bought this book on self-compassion and I wanna start reading it after I finish the book I’m reading now and then read the book club book for next week.
Alone time generally feels like some combination of Spongebob staring at the tea in #5 and the guy playing catch with himself in #20. And watching TV together as quality time usually provokes the same reaction from me as it did from Mindy in #21. And I feel like I judge myself along the lines of #25, except that I do literally always have a book on my physical person. Similarly, I don’t think the people in my life think of me as being too needy (#7), but I feel like I’m being super needy all the time and wish I was more self-sufficient. But LOL #8 and #9 are 100% me, which feels like it cancels out any hope of self-sufficiency. Which makes me sad, and then I copy and paste the same things in g-chat to start conversations with like 5 people (#2).
What I’m going through right now has come and gone and come back and gone again over the course of the past few years of my life. I remember this feeling. In that way it is almost a comfortable pervasive discomfort. I’m increasingly getting the sense that it might not be permanently fixable. That…scares me. I know that part of my issue is around expectation (mis)management, but still the end of this little passage feels harsh to me. Am I making myself miserable? And if so, how do I stop?
True reconciliation exposes the awfulness, the abuse, the hurt, the truth. It could even sometimes make things worse. It is a risky undertaking but in the end it is worthwhile, because in the end only an honest confrontation with reality can bring real healing. Superficial reconciliation can bring only superficial healing.
I feel like this describes how going to therapy is going to be. I’m…nervous? But also trying not to expect much to happen right away. And also still skeptical. But I want to feel better. I want to feel healthy, like the things, activities, and relationships in my life are healthy for me, including my relationship with myself and the activities I engage with/in alone. Hoping it doesn’t require feeling worse first, but we shall see.