This is a hard one for me. I’m trying to think about when I first felt like my relationship with JJ was a thing I was committed to. I remember talking to KS before JJ and I had said we loved one another but when I was realizing that I loved him, and saying that being with him had already caused me to need to rethink what intimacy and commitment look like. I think that commitment involves being willing to push through situations and emotions and experiences that are difficult or unpleasant or even hurtful to a degree in favor of trying to find satisfactory solutions to all parties. I think it involves being able to say I want to be with you right now, and I expect that that will not change tomorrow or otherwise in the immediate future; I associate it with planning and being able to be counted on to exist in one another’s lives. I think of commitment as having decided you’re not playing around with the relationship you’re in, that it is “serious” and “going somewhere” and is a thing to be prioritized and built upon and around. The day I realized that this relationship as it stood wasn’t working for me and wanted to work with JJ to figure out a way that it could, that I wanted to voice my concerns and put in work to make things feel better, rather than just peacing out because it wasn’t what I wanted, is the day that I first felt committed to us as an idea. I don’t think I could have gotten to the point of saying “I love you” without feeling committed.
I think that with a lot of communication between all involved parties and agreement and structure, it is possible to commit to multiple people at a time, but I am not sure that such agreements on JJ’s part with myself and someone else could reliably meet my intimate needs from a romantic relationship. The knowledge that he wants to commit himself to more than one person is one that inspires anxiety and fear in me; I wish I knew what it was like to have the feelings I have for him fully reciprocated.