I want a partnership to build and design my life around. A cohabiting life partner. A person that wants to be part of a larger whole with me and go through life that way. I want to sleep in the same bed with the same person every night and go through our morning routine together every morning. JJ asked me if that means just that person, and that that person has to want to only build and design around me. I want to be able to say no, but it’s hard to envision a future where he’s building multiple relationships and I’m only building us without feeling like I’m getting the short end of the stick, like I’m giving more than I’m getting back, like everything is unfairly uneven. I want reciprocity and I don’t know how that can exist if we’re building unevenly. I don’t want to give my whole self and only get half of someone in return. That feels unsustainable. That seems incapable of fulfilment and peace and comfort. That feels inherently not okay. Fear and a sense of being threatened aren’t absent in my lack of interest in such configurations, but it goes deeper than that.
I can imagine having occasional sexual partners outside of that life partnership though. Not really people i see regularly and build a meaningful relationship with, but people with whom I have a rapport and great sex, perhaps sex that is different from that I experience with my partner. I don’t really know how to build those relationships without dating, though, and I really want to have to do as little of that as possible going forward. I don’t really know *how* to be open to developing a new romantic connection through typical dating while I’m in a relationship. The thought process I was going through around LS and what it would be like if romance was a possibility for that relationship still interests me though; what would happen if I had a close friendship with someone I was attracted to and whose orientations lined up with mine and who was open to polyamory (a whole lot of ifs) that seemed like it could be something more?