What do I want from my romantic life? Am I open to multiple sexual relationships, romantic relationships, or both? If I want more than one lover, what degree of closeness and intimacy do I expect, and what do I offer?

I want to find a person that wants to go through life by my side as a unit, who wants to grow and develop over time with me, who wants to build a life around our partnership. I want to be with a person that supports and encourages me in my individual endeavors, who enjoys spending time with me, who makes me laugh, with whom I have great and frequent sex, who has similar visions of the future. I want to come home to a partner at the end of the day every day, or as frequently as possible if one of us has to travel or be away from home for other reasons. I want my romantic life to be one of security and longevity and passion.

I feel somewhat open to multiple sexual partners, if not necessarily multiple sexual relationships. I don’t feel like I need a regular sexual partner outside of my romantic relationship, though sometimes it seems like it could be nice to have someone I could booty call when JJ isn’t in the mood. I think I feel fairly closed to the idea of multiple romantic relationships, not on an ideological level, but because to me existing in one romantic relationship precludes the desire for more. That switch is turned off for me. It isn’t super turned on even when I’m single. I hate dating so much. I want to find the person that means I never have to again. And aside from that, being in a romantic relationship to me, or at least being in my relationship with JJ, inspires a desire for levels of closeness and intimacy that feel exclusionary of all others. I want as much of those things with him as I can possibly have, and even then it might not feel like “enough,” but there is certainly no other vaguely romantic dalliance that is worth taking time away from us. Outside of the seemingly remote possibility that I were to fall in love with someone else while I am already in a relationship, being in multiple romantic relationships does not feel ideal in any way or like a thing that it would be preferable to attempt.

I don’t feel like I have anything substantial to offer to a potential new partner when it feels most natural to me that my life, energy, and resources flow primarily to/around my relationship with JJ. It is incredibly difficult for me to imagine a person coming along who is worthy of such diversion, of branching off and growing in a different separate direction. I also struggle to see how, if such a person were to come into my life, splitting myself between them would feel more satisfactory in the long run than choosing one or the other to settle in with for the long haul. I don’t want to feel like a child of divorce bouncing back and forth between homes, like my life is split in two or divided.


About alaiyo0685

I'm a kind of quirky, pretty stubborn, way too opinionated, twenty-something, intellectual, introspective, queer, Black, female, in a polyamorous relationship, and this is where I try to figure out my life.

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