…Difficult relationships come into our lives for a reason. No one would choose them, certainly. But if we let them, they can teach us how to be flexible with others and more forgiving.
I’ve been trying to be, to make concessions and space for JJ to have things outside of our partnership. Sometimes I think I more don’t want to be stiff and rigid and inflexible than I’m actually not those things. I want to bend but not to the point that it hurts, and definitely not to the point where I break. It’s hard to see myself as flexible in what I’m looking for as an individual because as an individual, dating has generally been a disappointing experience. I don’t want to do it. I haven’t historically gotten much out of it and I don’t feel interested in doing it. So swapping some other romantic partner in for the time he spends or would spend with others doesn’t feel achievable or desirable, which then makes being with him while he has outside partners feel like agreeing to not have my relationship wants/needs met. I suppose maybe it’s most fair to say that I’ve been flexible with regard to how satisfied I need to be for the relationship to be worth it, or how much hurt is tolerable, but JJ doesn’t want to be hurting me by living how he wants to live.