Tag Archives: friendship

Why wasn’t friendship as good as a relationship? Why wasn’t it even better? It was two people who remained together, day after day, bound not by sex or physical attraction or money or children or property, but only by the shared agreement to keep going, the mutual dedication to a union that could never be codified. Friendship was witnessing another’s slow drip of miseries, and long bouts of boredom, and occasional triumphs. It was feeling honored by the privilege of getting to be present for another person’s most dismal moments, and knowing that you could be dismal around him in return.

A Little Life, Hanya Yanagihara

(via the dopest ethiopienne)

THIS. IS. SO. IMPORTANT. I may be in a serious cohabiting relationship, but that relationship does not exist to the exclusion or, really, even to the detriment of my friendships, either those that came before the start of my relationship or those that have blossomed since. I have picked my closest friends to exist in my life now and tomorrow and for as many tomorrows as we have left, however awesome or shitty or meh those days may be, simply because I like them. Because something in me resonates with something in them, something about them makes me wanna say, “This one! Yeah, I really enjoy this one. Let’s be important to one another forever.” And the circumstances of my romantic life don’t cancel these other relationships out or make them matter less. I hope that can always be true.

If I am already in a relationship, does my desire for others come from dissatisfaction or unhappiness with my current relationship? If I were in a relationship that met my needs, would I still want multiple partners?

This one is easy for me. All of the attempts at having multiple partners I have made since dating JJ came from a place of dissatisfaction or wanting more than was currently available to me in terms of companionship and/or sexual expression. I would not consider having dalliances on the side if I were getting everything I need from our romantic relationship. I wonder if I might still get drunk at a party I’m at without my partner and feel like making out with someone. I wonder even more if, if my partner went to parties with me, would I feel the desire for those activities with someone else — so many times now I go out and come home and want to fuck the shit out of JJ, but he is asleep and I am left frustrated.

However, my desire for friends and the companionship and other intimacy I get from those relationships does not wax or wane with the existence of a romantic partnership in my life; the partnership comes first, though, in most instances. My friendships add incredible value to my life, but my partnership is the relationship around which my life is structured.

How important is my desire for multiple romantic relationships?

I don’t have a desire for multiple romantic relationships. I want to have a multitude of close emotional relationships, yes. Of course. I’ve always wanted that and I’ve always had it. They have just overwhelmingly been platonic. My friends have always been the most intimate relationships in my life, the people I get most of my comfort, support, companionship, advice, joy, love, acceptance, fun, etc. from. I do not feel as though I am restricting myself by not turning these relationships into romantic relationships (for the close friendships in which sexual/romantic orientations would allow that to be possible). I have enjoyed practicing sexual non-monogamy in the past, though this has generally started out from a place of trying to fill the gaps in my life caused by my romantic partner having other romantic partners. Having a range of sexual experiences has been pleasant, but also does not feel like a pressing desire. I enjoy the freedom to capitalize on a moment to explore a sexual possibility with someone, but don’t wish to seek out others for the purpose of having sex with them.

Day 20: Impress Me #30Layers30Days

When you write, talk or present yourself in any way — are you more focused on being authentic at all costs or are you more focused on impressing people and being accepted?  How much do you rely on feedback and compliments to feel good about yourself?

It really depends on the space in which I’m presenting myself, and to whom. I would like to live in a world and have only relationships where I can be completely authentic with everyone that I interact with, but that’s not the way my life or the world I live in looks. So, like everything else in my life, there are levels to that shit, haha. I have a handful of relationships in which I can be my full, authentic self without fear of sustained judgment or repercussions. Then I have a larger number of people who get fully authentic representations of parts of me, and more constructed accounts of other parts for any number of reasons. And then I have people with whom I never really delve down past the surface level stuff.

For example, I talk to my parents all the time, but usually about things that are happening rather than about my feelings about the things or what they mean in the larger narrative of my life — we check in, sometimes almost daily, rather than have legitimate conversations. We communicate, but are not “in conversation” with one another on any significant level. And for the most part, I’m okay with that. I do not think that our relationship would be bettered by complete authenticity on either of our parts. My parents each have this idea of the person that I am, and being authentic would destroy parts of it, I think. I am not under the impression that we would like one another if we were really open.

But among the members of my chosen family? My closest friends and my partner? Authenticity is a challenge I strive to meet every day with them. I’ve committed myself to being vulnerable and saying things that are hard to say and asking questions whose answers I don’t know even if I’m scared of some of the possibilities. There are people I want to really know and really see me.

And then there are, like, the people who follow this blog who probably have a pretty accurate understanding of who I am as a person, but with whom my real life relationships (if they exist), wouldn’t suggest that deep a level of knowledge. I don’t really know what group to put those people into, but I like being open here and I like the idea that it makes more people in my life get me and what I’m about. I don’t try to impress people here.

I looooove compliments. Remember the highness of “words of affirmation” on my love language quiz results? But I don’t think I rely on them for self-esteem. I like me. I liked me before I had a boo telling me how awesome I am all the time, and before I had a paying job I was good at that brought a lot of positive performance-related feedback into my life. I have been working on liking me for years and years and years. It is an ongoing project. Other people deeply liking or even loving me helps, probably — at the very least, my relationships bring me spaces in which to develop myself in ways I like — but I don’t need them to say nice things about me to feel good about myself. I appreciate them for reminding me about my likeable things when I have forgotten them in moments of sadness, though. They’re really good at that. When boo tells me how he feels about me, I feel a rush of amazing feelings, but I don’t think it contributes to me feeling good about myself, so I’m not going to include that here. Feeling good about us isn’t the same as feeling good about me.